Shaving off layers of concrete...

Wow. As I sat in my office, I realized how far I've come along as a man/human being/believer. The past four years of my life have been like a calm-yet-turbulent windstorm. In other words--things have been bittersweet at best.

During my last year of college, I experienced love/betrayal/happiness/rage and many other paradoxical outlooks on life. I told myself that I'd never feel that way again. So--I began to plop on layers of concrete around my heart. If no one can get through to your heart, you can't be hurt again--right? Right. (you expected me to say 'wrong', didn't you?) So I caked this cement-laden mixture around every valve and ventricle to make sure this feeling never returned. It's one thing to make a promise to others, but when you make a vow to yourself--it's seals the deal a little tighter.

Since that time, I went through various insignificant "relationship-lets". Relationship-lets are those relationships that didn't even have enough substance to be worthy enough to be mentioned. In these I realized that all I wanted was a companion to hold my attention for about a month or so, then move on her way. It was somewhat of a vampiric thirst for attention. Once all the desired attention was "sucked" from that particular person...Count Dracula (me) moved to his next victim.

After a while, a new prospect made her way onto the scene. She was great. Maybe a tad different from the previous women I had dated--but that may be what I needed. After months of long-distance dating, I realized she and I had nothing in common. I don't know how that happened. How can you not know basic things about someone you've dated for close to 5 months??? Easy. Just make sure that you've only physically hungout twice...then try to start up a long-distance "thing". ...like I did.

I'm rambling--I know. But after this last endeavor ended like the 1986 Space Shuttle Challenger, I began to allow God to take control. I was sick of things going sour in my life and in love and in my career... Something needed to change.

I finally came to the realization that I no longer knew how to love. The more I truly sought a closer relationship with God, the more I learned how to love again. God began to let his light shine within me again--and as this happened, bits of the dried concrete started to chip off my "ticker". It's a wonderful feeling to be able to feel love again. Not romantic love or parental love...but God's agape love.

Now, don't get me wrong... I haven't shaved off all the concrete left, but a huge chunk just fell off as I typed this...